


HOTEL POSSIBILITY

by ksstarfire



Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: Anger, Angst, Fear, M/M, Separation, Trust, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:28:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28115445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ksstarfire/pseuds/ksstarfire
Summary: Shortly after Starsky and Hutch becoming lovers, something happens that triggers their separation.Three years later, a chance meeting.
Relationships: Ken Hutchinson/David Starsky
Comments: 8
Kudos: 16





	HOTEL POSSIBILITY

**Author's Note:**

> A couple of years ago, I wrote a short snippet and posted it in the Starsky/Hutch the original bRomance group. It was titled, Hotel Possibility. Several readers asked me to finish it.  
> For several reasons, I choose not to.  
> Then I pulled it out of my documents file and re-read it.  
> Deciding I'd had enough time to think about it, I finished it.

HOTEL POSSIBILITY

Hutch picked up his suitcase after checking out at the hotel desk. He felt the skin on his neck tingle. Taking a deep breath, he turned and scanned the lobby, looking for the cause.

He froze. It couldn’t be! Before he could think better of it, he was speaking.

"Starsky? Is that you? Wow, who knew we'd meet again like this? God, it's been years since... You're looking good. I hope you're doing all right?” When Starsky didn’t say anything, Hutch realized he shouldn’t have said anything either. "Well, I...uh...I was just heading to the airport. I should get going. Take care of yourself, Ba...Starsky. It was,” Hutch took a deep breath, “it was good seeing you."

Hutch turned to walk away, picking up his suitcase that he had dropped. He had to get out of here. _Now_. If he stayed one second longer he'd break down. He straightened his back, but he kept looking down slightly as he took two steps away from his former partner and lover.

"Hutch..." Starsky was barely able to speak. He couldn’t believe Hutch was standing in front of him after all this time. His eyes drank in Hutch’s tall, toned body and blond hair. Dressed in a dark suit and tie, Hutch looked amazing. He took a mental picture to remind himself of this moment.

Hutch froze at the sound of his name, so softly spoken by Starsky. He closed his eyes and let that sound reverberate through his body. The last time Starsky had spoken his name, it had been filled with venom and hate.

The tall blond stopped, but he didn't turn back around. What could be said now...all these years later? Too much had been said the last time they had seen each other.

"Hutch, turn around. Please?"

Hutch debated. Keep walking or turn around? If he turned, and Starsky said...said what? There really wasn't anything left to say. He took another step.

"Hutch...please...?"

He had never been able to resist Starsky. Never. He closed his eyes and braced himself for whatever he would hear when he turned around. He kept his head down as he turned. That way, he could hide more of his emotions should Starsky break what little was left of his heart.

"Thank you, Hutch." Starsky looked around the lobby of the hotel. "Look...could we go to the bar. Maybe have a drink?"

Voice now raspy, almost whispery, Hutch replied, "Why?"

"Because I want...no...I need to try to explain. At least as much as I can.”

"It’s okay, Starsky. I got it. I understood. You were right to be mad. You don't have to explain anything to me about what happened."

"I think I do, Hutch." Now it was Starsky who first dropped his eyes, then looked back up, looking directly into Hutch's eyes. "You see, I know I was wrong. To say what I must have said to you. And really wrong to do what I must have done. I was scared. Too many feelings inside me that I didn't know...wasn't ready...to deal with. I..."

Hutch interrupted. "It's all right, Starsky. I understood...later... why you...why it happened. I forgive you." The last statement was tossed out there. A curtesy more or less. Hutch turned to leave, biting his lower lip. He needed that small, sharp pain to focus on, instead of the crushing pain in his heart.

Starsky took the four steps separating them and took hold of Hutch's arm, swinging him, gently back around. "You don't understand anything, Hutch. Not yet. But I hope you will." He grabbed Hutch's shoulders. He had been intent on kissing him. But when Hutch’s body stiffened, he settled for a quick closed-mouth kiss on his lips and a tight hug. Right there in the middle of the upscale hotel lobby with people all around them.

Hutch dropped his suitcase, stunned. He started to put his arms around Starsky, out of habit, but left them at his sides. The brief almost-taste of Starsky hit him hard. It had been so many years since they had last kissed. He didn’t understand the rules anymore. What was this about?

Keeping his hands on Hutch’s arms, Starsky pulled back, hoping he hadn’t just given Hutch a reason to run. “I have missed you so much. I tried to find you the next day. Your landlord said you had called her. Told her you weren’t coming back and she could throw everything away or sell it. I kept looking.

“Every day I told myself I would go after you, find you, and beg you to forgive me and give me a second chance. Then Ma got sick.”

“Oh no, Starsk…is she okay? She was fine the last time I saw her.” Hutch broke off when he realized he was revealing too much.

“She made it, but it was close. She told me when I was back East what an idiot I had been. And she was right. I had a few commitments to finish up, then I was going to pull out all the stops to find you. To make you forgive me. Even though I would try hard to understand if you didn’t…couldn’t…forgive me. I only want a few minutes, Hutch. That’s it. If, after that, you want to leave, I won’t stop you. But, please… _please_ … give me just a few minutes.”

Looking down, Hutch was frozen. He’d never dared to dream, or to hope, this might ever happen. He closed his eyes tightly, fighting back the tears that were gathering in his eyes. He risked one quick glance up and saw the same tears shimmering in deep blue eyes he’d never succeeded in forgetting.

“I guess I can catch the next flight out. If I need to.”

“We can take your suitcase up to my room…”

“No! I mean, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Hutch knew he couldn’t be alone with Starsky right now. This, whatever this was, needed to be done in public.

“Sorry, yeah, you’re right, Hutch.” Starsky looked behind the hotel desk. “Hey, Danny, could you put my par…Hutchinson’s bag back there for a little while?”

“Sure, Mister Starsky, be glad to.” Danny stepped out and took Hutch’s suitcase, securing it behind the desk.

Starsky moved to the side and motioned for Hutch to precede him toward the bar. He was nervous. His palms were sweating. He knew he’d probably never have another chance to fix what he had stupidly broken almost three years ago. He was desperately trying to figure out what to say, and how to say it. He thought of starting with a joke, but this situation was too serious for a joke. He had to figure out what to say…and soon. They had reached the door of the bar and the hostess was getting ready to lead them to a table. Starsky quickly stepped forward.

“Miss, is there a table that’s in a quiet area? We… we… have some business to discuss and it would help if you had…”

She cut him off. “I think I have just the spot for you. The section is actually closed, but we’re not that busy, one of the servers can take care of you.” She smiled at the two handsome men.

“Thank you.”

Hutch beat him to the thanks, so Starsky just smiled at the hostess. She was beautiful. She had long, curly chestnut hair, deep emerald eyes, and a body that, at one time, would have grabbed his interest and not let it go. But right now, his only interest was the blond-haired body walking in front of him.

Their table was situated by a window with a view of the ocean. Hutch took the farthest chair and he took the one across the table from him. He didn’t want to crowd Hutch. He needed to take his time. This was too important to make any mistakes. He pretty much knew he’d never get another chance.

Starsky ordered coffee and Hutch ordered ice tea. At the last minute, Starsky also asked for a deluxe appetizer tray with dipping sauces. He saw Hutch raise an eyebrow and knew he blushed a little. ”Hey, I’ve come to enjoy some vegetables with my meat in my old age!”

Hutch chuckled and nodded at Starsky. Then he looked out the window. “Nice view. I spent most of last night on the balcony of my room. The moon shining on the waves was very relaxing and peaceful.”

“What floor was your room on? I was out on my balcony as well.”

“Twentieth. Nice view from there.”

“I’m on the eighteenth.” Starsky realized if he had looked up, he might have seen Hutch last night. A picture bloomed in his mind. Full blown. Living color. Hutch, wearing only shorts, the moonlight bathing his body in soft light. And his hair reflecting that golden light.

He _had_ to get his mind off that picture.

“You do a lecture here in town?” Starsky hated all this small talk, but he didn’t want to get into anything serious until after the appetizers had been delivered.

“Pro Bono thing at the academy. Freshman class. I think I scared them!” Hutch chuckled.

Starsky chuckled as well. “If you told them even one story about any of our busts they probably ran for the hills!”

Hutch looked down then quietly said, “I told them to always be a detective. Always see the clues and act on them. Even when they were off duty. I told them it might mean the difference between life and death someday.”

“Hutch…”

“Here you go, gentlemen. Our deluxe appetizer special, complete with ranch, cheese queso, and salsa for dipping. Enjoy!” The waitress set the large platter and two plates on the table between them. “If there’s anything else you need, just wave, otherwise, I’ll leave you to conduct your business.” She smiled, turned, and left the table.

Watching her walk away, Starsky tried to figure out what to say next. 

“This looks good. I’ve never ordered it before when I’ve been here.” Hutch put some batter-dipped, deep-fried cheese sticks, onion rings, corn cakes, thin strips of steak, and battered, fried green beans on his plate. He spooned some of all three dipping sauces on it as well. “I’m impressed you chose a mostly vegetable dish. Surprised, but happy.” He dipped a fried green bean in the ranch dressing and took a bite. He moaned as the flavor burst on his tongue. “These are delicious. “ He had to stop himself from cutting a piece and offering it to Starsky from his fork.

Old habits sure died hard. No matter how many years it had been.

Filling his own plate, Starsky smiled. “I guess not all vegetables are bad.” He laughed and watched the satisfied look on Hutch’s face as he ate. He looked down and took a bite to keep from doing something that would more than likely cause Hutch to bolt from the table. “Most everything they serve here is great. Seems like I’m here a lot.”

“Me too. At least every two to three months. I guess the police in this area must like us, huh?” Hutch smiled.

“I guess so.” Starsky smiled back at his former partner. Then he remembered something Hutch had said in the lobby. “When I told you about Ma, you said something like, ‘I had just seen her’? Ma didn’t say anything about it?” Starsky paused, letting his detective mind start putting the puzzle pieces together. “Wait! Did you have something to do with her apartment building being renovated?”

Starsky remembered his shock at seeing his mother’s aging apartment building looking totally renovated. It looked like it had been gutted and totally new, larger apartments created inside. The shocks had continued as he rode a brand new elevator up to his mom’s sixth floor apartment. Then, seeing her once-cramped, tiny place turned into a spacious three bedroom unit with a covered balcony had totally blown him away.

The entire building had gleamed with highly polished wood, new carpeting and amenities. He only now remembered the new, brightly lit and welcoming entry complete with doorman and security. He had been so concerned with his mother’s health scare, he had blocked out what he had seen.

“Hutch?”

Caught, Hutch knew it was time to come clean. “I was in New York. I wanted to see her. Just check up on her. You know she’s always treated me like a son.

“She’d been crying when she answered the door. I knew something was wrong right then. I’ve never seen her like that. She invited me in, of course, and plied me with cookies and offers of a full meal. I had to ask her several times what was wrong.

“She told me the people who owned the building were selling it. Some company was going to demolish the entire block and they were only going to give the residents a couple of months to move out. You know her building was mostly older, retired people on fixed incomes. They had few choices. She said she hadn’t told you. That’s why she had been crying. She didn’t know what she was going to do, but she didn’t want to worry you.”

“But, Hutch…” Starsky didn’t know what to ask first.

“You know I love Rachel, Starsky.” Hutch changed course. “I had a cousin pass away. We were close before I moved out here and we stayed in touch. He’d been buying Hutchinson InternationalHI stock every chance he could. He never married, so he put all that stock in my name. I sold some shares, and bought the building. I paid for temporary housing for everyone living there and brought in structural engineers, contractors, and then hired decorators. The bones of the building were solid, not sure how the owner was able to get it declared unsafe. I turned him in to the police to investigate his actions.

“Rachel helped pick out the color scheme. Each former tenant was given choices as well.

“When it was completed, Rachel moved in first.” Hutch turned to look out the window.

“She never told me.”

“I asked her not to.” Hutch shrugged. “I think she knew something was wrong between us. She didn’t ask, and I didn’t offer up anything.”

Starsky frowned, trying to capture another thought that was dangling just outside his ability to grab it. “Hutch? Did you see Nicky while you were there? While all this was going on? He came to see Ma when I was there. He was wearing a suit. He’d cut his hair, and, I don’t know, he just seemed different.”

“Well, um, Starsky. Yeah. I saw him. The second day I was there, he showed up. He had come to ask Rachel for…” Hutch broke off.

“Money. I figured that. So, what happened?”

Again, Hutch was uncomfortable and unsure of what and how much to say.

“Hutch?”

Knowing Starsky would call his mother and ask her, Hutch caved. “Nick and I had a talk. I invited him out to have a couple of beers.”

“And?”

“And, I lowered the boom on him. I gave him an option between two choices.” Hutch began to nibble on his appetizers again.

“I swear to…Hutch, getting information from you is harder than getting it from any perp we ever busted! Just tell me!”

Hutch realized he was going to have to tell Starsky more. Looking out at the ocean, Hutch explained. “I told him if he could straighten out his life I would help him get started on a new course.”

“What was his other choice, Hutch?” Starsky barely kept the growl out of his voice.

“If he didn’t clean up his act, I would hire private detectives to follow him. Every where. Every day. Then I would take their reports and turn him into the police. I told him it was way past time for him to grow up and stop asking Rachel for money.” Hutch shrugged.

“And?”

“And he told me he knew he needed to grow up. He said he needed the money to pay for his last class.” Hutch paused to take a couple more bites.

“Huuuutch…” This time Starsky did growl. “What class?”

“Nick had been working as a bartender at night and going to business management and contractor classes during the day. He only needed one more class to graduate, but the bar he worked at didn’t pay much. He couldn’t take on another job, because of needing time to study.

“I wasn’t sure if I believed him or not, so I asked for the name of the school and his teacher. I called the teacher and asked about Nicky Starsky. The teacher said, ‘Nick?’ He wasn’t going to give me any information, so Nick took the phone and gave him the okay to answer all of my questions.” Hutch stopped speaking.

“I swear, Hutch, if I have to prompt you one more time…”

“It was true. Mister Haetten told me Nick was the quickest learner he had ever taught. He said he picked up all the basics in the first two weeks of classes. He called him ‘a sponge’, always soaking up everything he could. Nick was carrying a 4.0 in all his classes. Never missed a class, never tardy.”

“Nicky?”

“He goes by Nick now.”

“He graduated about the same time I bought the building. I had talked with Haetten a couple more times and he told me Nick had been offered jobs with six different companies around New York. All of them blue chip.

“So I asked Nick to take a look at the plans I had had drawn up for the renovations. Starsk, you would have been so proud of him! He pointed out some things that would save me money _and_ make the renovation better. He’s the one who suggested the covered balconies, to make the building more attractive.”

“Nicky?”

“Nick.”

“So, I offered him the Manager’s position for the building and all the other projects.”

Stunned, it took Starsky a few seconds to absorb what Hutch had told him. He reran Hutch’s last statement through his brain. “Wait…projects? As in more than Ma’s building?”

“It’s nothing, Starsky.”

“And I think it’s something. Spill.” Starsky glared at Hutch with his best don’t-bullshit-me detective’s face.

“Another company has been renovating two blocks to the east of Rachel’s building. The entire area is undergoing renovations.”

Starsky just glared at him. When Hutch didn’t react to that, Starsky kicked him under the table.

“Owww! That hurt! Okay, so I bought the entire block. Put Nick in charge of what to keep, and what to tear down. He ran everything by me. Starsk…y, he’s really good. We’re going to put a senior center behind Rachel’s building. There will be a courtyard there, with garden space, picnic tables, and some playground equipment for any grandkids who come visit. The building to the East we are setting up and marketing for new families, just starting out. Several of your mom’s friends have offered to babysit, so the families don’t have to go to sitters out of the area. The building to the West will be retired and elderly. Nick has arranged for a couple restaurants to lease lots on the block. And he was able to convince a doctor to hold a free clinic one day a week at the senior center.”

“Is that it?” Starsky could hardly absorb what Hutch had already told him. 

“Just one or two more things.” He saw Starsky glaring at him again, so he quickly told him the rest.

“There will be a small cinema in the senior center, showing first run movies and oldies that the customer’s request. The library is going to have books available for them to check out without having to go downtown. And a small pharmacy. That was another of Nick’s ideas.”

“Ma should have told me when I was there.”

“I begged her not to. I didn’t do it to influence you to…”

“To what? Look for you?”

Hutch flinched. He had known this wasn’t a good idea. He didn’t want to cause a scene in the restaurant. Quickly using his napkin to wipe his mouth and fingers, he started to stand up. “I’m the one who’s sorry, Starsky. You’ll never know how sorry.” He stood, looking anywhere but at Starsky, and took a step toward the door. He smacked into a brick wall that strongly resembled his former partner.

“Sit down.”

Hutch took a step back but didn’t sit.

“I said… _sit down_!” Starsky hissed.

Noticing one of the waitresses looking their way, Hutch said, “Look, I think it’s better if I just go. Nothing I did for your mother had anything to do with us…with what w…we used to be to each other.”

Starsky didn’t move out of his way.

“Do I have to sit you back in that chair by force? You know I can do it.”

Hutch looked at him then and paled just a bit. Hutch recognized Starsky’s _perp-look_. His eyes were narrowed; his mouth a grim line, and his entire body was tensed to make Hutch sit down.

“All right.” Hutch sat, mostly to keep from causing any more of a scene than they already had. He was also just a bit scared. He smiled at the waitress and noticed one of the hotel’s security staff standing behind her. He nodded to him that everything was under control.

Starsky turned to see who Hutch was nodding at. He waved at the man and saw him turn to leave the restaurant.

“Just listen. Before you get both of us hauled out of here.”

“ _Me_!? You were the one who stood up like you were gonna slug me!”

“I _would_ have slugged you if you had tried to leave.”

Starsky saw Hutch flinch when he said he would have slugged him. Stupid, he thought to himself. That was a totally stupid thing to say. “Hutch…I didn’t mean that. I promise.”

“Starsk…” Hutch tensed. Unsure of what to do.

“Hutch…” Starsky knew he had to talk, and talk fast.

Both spoke at the same time.

Starsky held up a hand. “Let me talk for a little bit. You eat and listen.”

Hutch nodded and began to eat more of the appetizers he had put on his plate. Anything to keep from looking directly at Starsky. And to get his mind off Starsky saying he would have slugged him.

“I remember part of that day…when things fell apart. I sort of remember what you said, what happened…but mostly I remember parts of what _I_ said…parts of how _I_ acted. When I saw you at the bottom of the stairs...and saw you stumble away…I didn’t remember what all had happened.

“Then it hit me. How I must have said something, or I had done something that must have scared you. How badly I might have hurt you.” Starsky glanced at Hutch’s face and saw small, faded scars near his right eye. Scars he realized he must have put there.

“Starsky, no…”

“Eat and listen!” When he saw Hutch was going to comply, he continued, “I realized I had to talk to you. Explain, if I could… that I hadn’t meant what I said. That I was sorry for…whatever I had done. I drove by your place after I left the hospital, but you weren’t there. Your car was, but you weren’t. I waited an hour. Then I thought it would be better to let you have some time. And I was still trying to remember just what had happened. I think I must have blacked out or something.

“Like I told you before, your landlord told me you wouldn’t be back. Said she needed to start cleaning out your stuff.”

Hutch stopped eating, pain crossing his face as he remembered leaving his apartment and everything that had been very important to him at the time. But he had known he couldn’t stay. Nor could he have packed and taken everything. He’d had no clue where he was going to go. And he’d had to leave quickly, before Starsky might have shown up to continue to berate him. Or to… He stopped that thought.

“I…had to leave. You asked…no…you told me to ‘get the fuck out of my life!’, so I did.”

Closing his eyes, Starsky winced at hearing the words that had driven Hutch away. He swallowed hard and opened his eyes to look right in Hutch’s.

“I was wrong. I never should have blamed you. I never should have said what I said. I never should have done what I obviously did. Starsky looked at the tiny scars again. When I got that phone call, I panicked. I thought…”

“I know what you thought. You were very clear with what you thought when you kicked me out of your life…literally.” Hutch tried to hide his anger and pain, but he had been keeping everything in for over three years now. It felt…not good…but cleansing maybe, to let out some of his emotions.

Wincing, Starsky knew he deserved the hurt Hutch had just delivered to him.

“Hutch, it was so early in our changed relationship. I thought all you cared about was the sex…”

“The sex!? What the hell are you talking about?!” Hutch had to calm himself down. People looked over when he had practically yelled that at Starsky. He took a deep breath and tried to keep himself calm.

“Do you remember which of us was the first to tell the other, ‘I love you’? Do you remember where _I_ said that? We had both just realized and admitted that we wanted more. We wanted everything from each other. _You_ said, ‘Are you sure, Hutch?’ And I said, ‘I have loved you for a long time, and I can’t wait to take that love to another level. _I love you, Babe_.’”

Hutch shook his head. “And you thought I didn’t love you? You thought I only loved the sex?! If I only loved the sex, why have I been celibate the last three years?” Hutch shut up. He hadn’t meant to tell Starsky that.

Of course that was what Starsky chose to respond to.

“You…you…for the last three years…no…” Starsky lowered his voice, “sex?”

Hutch nodded. “It’s not like you were a hard act to follow or anything like that, so get that idea out of your mind. I just didn’t want to put out the effort to start and maintain another relationship.” He paused then continued, “It’s not like I didn’t have offers.”

Narrowing his eyes, Starsky was back to near-growling, “How many offers?”

“That is no longer your right to inquire about.”

“Hutch…”

“I mean it, Starsky. My love life, or lack of it, is no longer your right to know or ask about. If I am seeing someone or not, is not your business now.” Hutch pushed his chair back, getting ready to leave. “This,” Hutch waved his hand at the table and food between them, “was a mistake. It was good to see you. Take care.”

“Please? Stay? I’m sorry.” Starsky looked down, then back up at Hutch. “I really am sorry. I know I am botching this. Just give me a chance, Hutch, that’s all I am asking.” He kept his gaze locked on the icy blue eyes of his former partner and lover. He finally saw some of the ice clear. “Sit back down, please. I promise I won’t ask any other questions about your personal life or make any comments like that again.”

Hutch sat and they both focused on eating the food they had on their plates. The silence was strained between them.

Hutch’s mind flashed back to that fateful time. He remembered that they had been lovers for only a couple of weeks. All it took was a look from his partner and he was hard and ready to make love.

Starsky had given him that look, shortly before everything had fallen apart. Hutch’s face paled, and his hands started shaking. He had never forgotten what had happened, but he hadn’t thought about all it in a long time.

Starsky noticed Hutch’s reactions and knew he was remembering. “Hutch? Hey, you okay?”

Not getting a response, Starsky stood and moved to Hutch’s side. He pulled his wallet out of his pocket and tossed some money on the table. Putting a hand under Hutch’s left elbow, he helped him stand.

He walked Hutch out of the restaurant, stopping by the desk to ask Danny to have Hutch’s suitcase brought to his room. He guided Hutch into the elevator and pushed the button for his floor.

Hutch didn’t say anything. His eyes seemed a little unfocused. Starsky wondered if he should call a doctor, but decided to wait and keep a close eye on him.

When they got to the 18th floor, Starsky ushered Hutch to his room. Unlocking the door, he helped Hutch to one of the plush sofas and sat him down. He removed the suit jacket and tie, then helped him lie down on the sofa. He put a pillow under Hutch’s feet. He saw a light mist of sweat on Hutch’s face.

Walking into the bathroom, he wet two hand towels with cool water and took them back into the main room. He folded one and put it on Hutch’s forehead. Opening the buttons to the pale blue dress shirt, he began to gently run the other cool, damp towel over Hutch’s chest and sides.

He stopped abruptly as he felt two ridges on Hutch’s right side. Pulling the towel away, he noticed two scars from sutures over the ribs there. Horrified, he ran a finger over them. Had he done this?

Hutch moved when he touched the scars, so he straightened out the towel and placed it over Hutch’s chest.

Starsky’s mind was reeling. Had he caused those wounds and subsequent scars? Just _what_ had he done?

“Hutch? Hey, wake up, Blondie.” Starsky lightly tapped Hutch’s cheek. Then immediately pulled his hand back. What if Hutch thought Starsky was hitting him again.

Moaning, Hutch opened his eyes. He looked around the room he was in, then looked at Starsky. “What happened?”

“I think you started to remember that day, and you got all pale and sort of shut down on me. I brought you up to my room. I didn’t want you to pass out in the restaurant.”

Hutch touched the wet towel on his head, then the one on his chest. ”Starsky?”

“Some first aid I remembered from Nam. Lay the person down, cool towels if you can. And quiet.”

Hutch nodded.

Starsky debated, then decided to ask Hutch about what had happened.

“Hutch? I don’t really remember all that happened. I get flashes of some of it, but most is a blank.

“I remember that I answered the phone and it was Edith. She said Dobey had been taken to the hospital. It wasn’t looking good. They said he’d had a heart attack, and they didn’t think he would make it. She asked for us to hurry.

“You know how much I looked up to him. I guess I sort of saw him as a father figure. And I remembered losing my pop, and then I remembered what Prodholm had done, and I just, I don’t know. I lost it. You were holding on to my hips, and I thought you were trying to stop me from going to the hospital to be by Dobey’s side, or something.

“I remember shoving or hitting you. But then only small flashes.

“I don’t remember anything until I walked out my door, and saw you at the bottom of the steps, and I thought you must have fallen down the stairs. But all I could think about was Dobey. You got up and limped off, and I didn’t think any more about you, until later.

“I remembered you were hurt, and I tried to find you to make sure you were all right.”

Hutch listened quietly to what Starsky had to say.

“I know it will be hard for you, Hutch, but can you tell me what happened? Can you tell me what I did?” Starsky looked at the scars on Hutch’s face again. He reached out his hand, slowly, and touched the one closest to Hutch’s eye. “Did I do this?”

Hutch pulled away from the touch. He looked at Starsky, seeing the pain and remorse on his face. Also seeing the confusion. He thought about it. Should he tell Starsky what had happened? Everything? His heart started to race. But maybe it was time to lay it all to rest.

“I’ll tell you. Then I have to go.”

“Hutch this is a suite. There are two bedrooms. I promise, you’ll be safe here. There are locks on the bedroom doors. It’s getting late, and I’m, well, I’m worried about you right now. You’re upset. Just think about staying. Please?”

“Let me tell you what happened. You may not want me to stay once you hear the full story.”

Walking over to the bar, Starsky filled two glasses with ice, then water. He also started a pot of coffee. He brought the water over and sat one glass in front of Hutch. He sat down on the couch facing Hutch’s. There was a coffee table between the couches.

Picking up the glass of water, Hutch took a drink. Where to start? He saw it just like a movie in his mind.

“We were at work. You looked at me…that look…and…

_“Starsk! Let’s get out of here. We’ve finished all the old files. I need…ahhhh…we need to go.”_

_Starsky smiled and nodded. He knew Hutch was responding to the come-hither look he had given him. “Okay. Let’s go tell Dobey we’re leaving.”_

_They got up and walked into Dobey’s office. They hadn’t intended to sit, but Dobey waved them to chairs._

_“Sit. What is this?” Dobey waved a file at both of them._

_Hutch took the file from him and flipped through it. “It’s our report on that apartment robbery, Cap’n.” Hutch handed him back the file._

_“It reads like one of those cheap detective novels!” Dobey tossed it on his desk, pulled his handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped his brow. It was covered in sweat, even though the office felt cool._

_Starsky stared at Captain Dobey and asked if he was okay._

_“Yeah, just got a little warm. Do I need to ask which of the two of you wrote this?”_

_Starsky told him he had written it._

_“Well, re-write it! I can’t give this to a prosecuting attorney with it reading like a movie script. I’ve told you over and over, Starsky, you’re a police detective, not a crime novel writer!”_

_Dobey leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes, he wiped his forehead again. He picked up a glass of water and drank about half of it._

_Hutch told him, “Look, Cap’n, I’ll help Starsky re-write it Monday. We were just getting ready to leave. We have the weekend off. Remember?”_

_Captain Dobey shouted at them, “I’m the one who gave you two the weekend off! Of course I remember!”_

_Starsky was concerned. Something wasn’t right with Captain Dobey. He asked, “Cap’n, you sure you’re okay?”_

_Dobey replied, “I’m fine.”_

_“Starsk and I will get out of here, then. Promise, he’ll redo that report. The right way.”_

_Hutch looked at Starsky and nodded toward the door._

_Starsky stood up. But he was still worried, so he said, “Cap’n, you look a little pale. And you’re sweating…a lot?”_

_Dobey yelled, “If you had to contend with detectives like you two, you’d be pale and sweating too. Get out of here!”_

_Hutch grabbed Starsky’s arm and pushed him toward the door. “We’ll see you Monday, Cap’n.”_

_Starsky looked back at Dobey before Hutch pulled the door shut. He still thought something was wrong._

Hutch stopped speaking and took another drink.

Starsky got up fixed them both a cup of coffee. He put some extra sugar in Hutch’s cup. When he sat it on the coffee table, Hutch picked it up and took a sip.

_They were standing there by the door. Hutch ran his hand over Starsky’s ass, and all thoughts of Dobey flew out of his mind. All they could think about was the two of them, wrapped up in each other’s arms, in bed._

_It was a race to see who could get to the Torino first._

Hutch smiled as he remembered that.

_They couldn’t stop touching as Starsky drove to his house. Each touch excited them more and more. Starsky couldn’t look away from the road, and Hutch couldn’t look away from him._

_”I love you, Starsk. And I can’t wait to make love to you. Hurry! I need you.”_

_“Damn, Hutch, you think I don’t need you, too?! My cock is so hard it’s almost brushing the bottom of the steering wheel!”_

_Gaze dropping, Hutch’s mouth started to water as he saw Starsky’s cock trying to break through the zipper of his tight jeans. Hutch licked his lips. “I could…”_

_“NO!’ Starsky gentled his voice, “Remember the last time you did that? I almost drove the Torino off that cliff. We’ll be at my place in less than ten minutes. Just hold on.”_

_Hutch couldn’t help it, he had to tease Starsky, ”I’d like to hold on…to your dick with my mouth.”_

_“HUTCH!”_

_Hutch just looked at him innocently and said, “What?”_

_“You were driving like we were in the Indy 500! So I asked you, ‘Should I put the MARS light on the roof and turn on the siren?’_

_“Just shut up!”_

_“I see you did slow down to the speed limit… or closer to it.”_

Hutch smiled again, but Starsky could tell Hutch was getting tense. 

_When they got to Starsky’s, they both had trouble getting out of the Torino. They had to adjust their pants to be able to walk somewhat normally. They started up the stairs, with Starsky in front of Hutch by a step._

_“Hey, Dave!”_

_They stopped and looked down. Samantha stood there._

_“What’s up?” Starsky asked her._

_Hutch was one step below Starsky. He moved his left foot up to the step Starsky were standing on. As Starsky stood there with his left foot on the step above and right foot on the same step as Hutch, Hutch reached out and ran his index and middle fingers along the crotch seam of his partner’s tight jeans. Hutch smiled when he felt Starsky react._

_Samantha said, “I just wanted to tell you my softball team is playing Sunday afternoon at the park on Simway Street. Think you can come?”_

_Hutch turned his head away from Samantha and whispered, “I KNOW you will come.” Then tried to stifle a chuckle._

_“I’ll try to make it, darlin’.”_

_They watched her turn and run back toward her house and Hutch leaned in and whispered in Starsky’s ear, “I’ll try to make YOU come…darlin’.”_

_They hurried as fast as they could up the remaining steps._

_They stumbled into the apartment, trying to walk, kiss, and strip all at the same time._

_Hutch took off his long sleeve shirt and_ _holster. He tossed both on the couch and yanked his tee shirt off and tossed it toward the corner of the room. Hutch’s jeans were so tight he finally managed to dig his wallet and badge out of his back pocket and tossed them on the couch._

_Hutch turned to help Starsky with his clothes. He dropped to his knees in front of his lover. He had just reached for the fastenings to Starsky’s jeans when the phone rang._

Stopping again, Hutch looked down, then toward the windows, anywhere but at Starsky.

“Most of that I remember, Hutch. What happened next?”

Hutch still wouldn’t look at Starsky.

“I need to know. I’ve had nightmares. I don’t remember all of them, but I know they are about that night. Hutch, in some of them, I am trying to kill you. Please, tell me the rest.”

“I don’t know if I can.”

“I’m here. I’m not going to hurt you. I know I did…but I won’t ever hurt you again. Please?”

_They both groaned when the phone rang. Hutch told Starsky to let it ring, but Starsky answered it._

_Hutch watched him turn and walk to the phone. But that didn’t deter him. He stood and followed him, watching Starsky’s ass move in those beyond-tight jeans. Hutch dropped to his knees again, reaching around to unbutton and unzip Starsky’s jeans as he pressed hot kisses to the jeans-covered ass. He didn’t pay any attention to what Starsky was saying._

_Hutch put a hand on each of Starsky’s hips, and turned him around. Then Hutch reached in to pull out Starsky’s penis. It was almost flaccid, so Hutch sucked it into his mouth to get him caught up._

_Starsky hung up the phone. He seemed stunned._

Starsky remembered hearing Edith’s voice. Telling them to hurry.

_Suddenly It seemed like Starsky became someone else. He wasn’t rational. He looked down, but it didn’t seem like he saw Hutch. He didn’t see his partner, his best friend, or his lover._

_He wasn’t sure who he saw. But it wasn’t Hutch._

_Starsky’s face was so hard when Hutch glanced up. It looked like he was in a rage._

_Hutch pulled his mouth off Starsky’s penis and looked up. It was just in time to see Starsky’s left fist driving straight for his face. Hutch had no time to dodge or move away._

_The blow knocked Hutch onto his left side. He felt his lips split and blood trickle down the right side of his face. He thought that Starsky’s rings must have cut him._

_Hutch shook his head. He reached out to grab Starsky’s right leg to help sit back up._

_Starsky screamed at Hutch, “Don’t you ever STOP?!’_

_Before Hutch even realized what was going to happen, Starsky kicked out and his Adidas-clad foot connected with Hutch’s right side._

_Hutch hung onto Starsky’s leg for balance and felt a second kick in the same area. He felt and heard something snap. The pain was excruciating._

_Hutch managed to breathe out, “Starsk…”_

_Starsky started screaming at Hutch, “Your fault. This is all YOUR fault!” Starsky reached down, grabbed Hutch’s right arm and pulled him to his feet. Then he yelled, “You bastard! GET OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!”_

_Hutch stood there, looking at Starsky. But it wasn’t Starsky. There was a monster where Starsky, his lover, had been. Hutch tried to get enough breath to ask what was wrong._

_For whatever reason, seeing Hutch getting ready to speak caused Starsky to begin punching him. Another left, then a right. Then punch after punch. He kicked out again, hitting the side of Hutch’s left knee. Hutch fell again, but Starsky continued to hit him._

_Then Starsky kicked Hutch._

_Hutch tried to protect his face and head, but Starsky shifted his attack to Hutch’s body. Hutch tried to curl up in a ball. Tried to protect himself, but the blows and kicks were coming too fast for him to react. His mind was fuzzy. His head had hit the floor sharply when he had fallen the second time._

Hutch had to stop talking. He was shaking and there was a fine sheen of sweat on his face and chest.

“Hutch. Stop. We can do the rest some other time.” Starsky didn’t look much better than Hutch.

“No…tell it all…now…then never again.” Hutch took a deep breath, unconsciously raising his left hand to cup his right side.

_Hutch pleaded, “Sta…rsk…St…stop…Please…?”_

_Starsky stopped long enough to regain his breath._

_Hutch drug himself across the floor to the couch and used it, trying to stand. His long sleeve shirt was on the couch. He grabbed it, and painfully pulled it on. He didn’t bother to button it._

_Hutch limped toward the door. He opened it and looked at Starsky. He asked him, “What ha…ppened?”_

_Starsky yelled, “You don’t hear so well, do you, asshole? ! told you to GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!! You’re not welcome here anymore!”_

_Hutch limped outside the door. He had to lean against the stair railing. His vision was blurry and his head was spinning. He took the first couple of steps and had to stop to get his balance and his breath back._

_Hutch made it almost three-fourths of the way down the stairs when his knee gave out. He_ _fell to the bottom of the stairs, landing against the side of the building. Every single inch of his body hurt. He could barely catch his breath._

Interrupting, Starsky said _, “_ I heard a noise outside my place, but I must have been still caught up in fear and rage. I straightened my clothes, slipped on my holster and jacket, and walked to the door. I opened it and reached back to lock the door. I felt my Beretta move in the holster. I thought it must not be seated securely. I drew the gun out of the holster.

“Then I heard something at the bottom of the stairs.”

_Hutch heard Starsky slam the door. The sound reverberated through his body. He looked up and saw Starsky pull his gun. He tried to get enough breath to speak._

_Holding his hands up, Hutch pleaded with him. “No, Starsk! I’m going! Please don’t sh…shoot!” He pushed against the side of the building and managed to get back on his feet. Then he remembered his car wasn’t there. Hutch hobbled as fast as he could around the side of the building, trying to put distance between himself and Starsky._

Starsky was pale and shaking. “I remember…I looked down the stairs and saw you lying at the bottom of the steps in a crumpled heap. You were reaching your hands out towards me while pleading for me not to shoot you. I watched you slowly get on your feet and painfully try to hurry away. Oh, God! I noticed you were limping badly. I also noticed blood on your face, and red areas that were already starting to bruise on your side. There…there was blood on your shirt…from where I kicked you?”

Hutch nodded.

“I was stunned and I just stood there as you disappeared in the darkness. I remember thinking, ‘Hutch must have fallen down the steps.’ I wasn’t aware of just how badly you were hurt. I was having trouble remembering what had just happened between us.

“I ran down the steps, thinking, ‘I’ll go check on him when I get done at the hospital.’ I got in the Torino and drove off in the opposite direction you had taken.”

Starsky took a deep breath.

“Hutch, what happened next? Where did you go?”

“I don’t know if I can tell the rest.”

“Please?”

Hutch began to talk again. He told it as he remembered it. 

_Hutch came out of the alley and saw a cab. He managed to wave it down._

_When he got in, the driver turned to look at him._

_“Where to? Say, buddy, you don’t look so good! Want me to take you to Memorial Hospital? It’s only about ten minutes from here. You look like you need a doctor!”_

_Hutch rasped out, “No! No hospital.”_

_“Look Mister, I either take you to the hospital, or to the cops. Your choice!”_

_Hutch gave in. “South Beach…Hospital. Take me there.”_

_“Memorial is a lot closer.”_

_“NO!” Hutch painfully reached for his wallet, then remembered he’d left it at Starsky’s._

_The driver headed to South Beach Hospital. He kept an eye on Hutch as he drove. As he pulled up by the emergency room door, he saw Hutch fall over to the side. He hurried into the hospital and began yelling for help._

“From what I’ve been told, Geri was working there that night. Filling in for another nurse. She realized who I was.”

_Hutch was in a lot of pain. They wanted to do a lot of tests, but he wouldn’t let them. He thought he heard Geri vouch for him, but even then they called the police._

_He found out later that Geri had paid for the cab ride._

_He got stitches by his eye and on his side._

_Geri wanted to call Starsky, but Hutch wouldn’t let her._

_Two officers showed up, asking questions._

_Hutch told them he was mugged. Didn’t see who had done it. And wasn’t even sure where it happened because he had been knocked out._

_They left and the doctor said he wanted to admit Hutch overnight. Hutch knew Geri would get in touch with Starsky. He knew he had to leave right then._

_Looking around, Hutch found some scrubs in a drawer, put them on and left the hospital. He caught another cab and went home. He called Memorial and found out that Dobey was going to be okay. He knew Starsky would be coming to look for him, and he knew he couldn’t let Starsky find him._

_Hutch called his landlord and told her to sell everything. Then he got in his car and drove to the airport. He’d had some money stashed at the house. He caught a flight to…_

“Well, that doesn’t really matter.

“The next day I called the bank and had my accounts transferred. And after I’d healed, I called an old friend who put me in touch with Robert Johnson who managed professionals on the lecture circuit. I’ve been working for him ever since.”

Starsky was stunned. “Hutch, I don’t know what came over me. I just lost it. God, I am so sorry! I knew you were hurt, but I had no idea I had done all that.”

“Part of me understood that. But the part of me that you ruthlessly beat didn’t understand it at all. We’d been partners…best friends for years. And lovers for a couple of months. We were happy together _._ It was ‘me and thee’ being as close as two people could be. I still struggle with that at times.”

Looking like Hutch’s words had been blows, Starsky sat back on the couch. “I don’t know what to say. How can I fix this, Hutch? Saying ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t seem like its good enough. What can I do?

“I called your parents. They said they didn’t know where you were right then. When I asked them to give you a message they said they wouldn’t, and hung up on me. I tried calling in some favors from the Feds, but they wanted to know what and why I was asking them to find you. I couldn’t remember everything, so I hung up.

“Even Huggy couldn’t or wouldn’t help me. He’d heard some stories from some of his snitches. Stories that made him act a little cool toward me. I pleaded with him to tell me what he’d heard, but he said if I wanted to keep him as a friend, I’d drop it.

“I kept hitting brick walls, Hutch. I kept looking and I kept failing. It was like you had dropped off the edge of the world. Then I thought, ‘maybe he doesn’t want to be found by you’.

‘That’s when I realized how badly I’d messed up. That’s when I realized I had broken ‘me and thee’, and that I might not ever get a chance to fix it. That’s when I stopped looking. I felt like I didn’t have the right to keep looking for you. Not after what I must have done to you.

“But when I went to see Ma, to tell her I was quitting the force and going on the lecture circuit, she asked about you. She started crying when I told her that I didn’t know where you were, or how to find you. She said, “Davey, you gave up? You just gave up on finding your other half…your heart?’”

“I started looking again. I’d heard about another retired cop who was doing lectures. I found out it was you. But when I called the places where you’d spoken, they referred me to your booking agent. He refused to give me _any_ information.

“I even had Huggy call once, to get Hutch to speak at a bogus convention. They wanted all the where’s and when’s. Huggy said he was an old friend of yours and he was sure you would agree to come and speak. They hung up on him.”

“When I agreed to work for Robert, part of our contract was that he would never give out any information on me. Also that he would never accept any speaking jobs inside Bay City or near it. He would give me messages from people, but he knew he was never to give me anything from you. Sorry, but I had to protect myself, Starsky.”

“It hurts, but under the circumstances, I understand it.”

They sat across from each other in silence. Both were lost in their own thoughts.

“Hutch? What will it take to get your true forgiveness?”

Closing his eyes, Hutch searched his heart. He didn’t find any ready answers. “I don’t know, Starsky. I don’t know if all this can be forgiven, much less forgotten.”

Nodding, Starsky had to close his eyes for a few seconds to keep from crying at the pain he still heard in Hutch’s voice. When he opened his eyes he saw the pain written on Hutch’s face. He had to try. One more time, he had to try.

“Hutch, I loved you. I thought we’d be together forever. Then, in a terrible instant, I tore all that apart. I forgot about how much I loved you, about how much you meant to me, and I tried to destroy you. I ended up destroying us. I destroyed myself.

Dobey transferred me to working on cold cases. But going to Metro every day, knowing you wouldn’t be there got to be too much. That’s when I quit.

“I sought counseling, to try to understand what had happened. The lady I spoke to asked a lot of questions. About what had happened, about our past, about my past. It took a while, but she thought I had a post-traumatic stress reaction to hearing that Captain Dobey might die. She said it caused me to break from reality. She said that’s why I beat you, then didn’t understand how or why you ended up at the bottom of my stairs. She said people who have these breaks, many times don’t remember them. It’s like your brain shuts down.

“I know that doesn’t excuse what I did. But it’s really the only defense I have, Hutch.

“But I want you to know that I really am sorry. From the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry. If I could take it all back, if it could have been me who had been hurt, I would. I would give anything if I could earn your trust and friendship again. I have missed you so much, Hutch” He stopped speaking when he felt tears welling again.

Staring at Starsky, Hutch saw the tears in his eyes. His own eyes began to water. He knew Starsky was being sincere. He didn’t know what to say. He wanted to forgive Starsky. But to re-establish their friendship? Was that even possible now?

Wiping his eyes, Starsky spoke again, “Look, it’s getting late. I had them bring your suitcase up. It’s in the bedroom behind you. Why don’t we get some sleep? Then maybe have breakfast and talk in the morning?”

Hutch just nodded. He stood up, as did Starsky. They both stood there, uncomfortable, but neither knowing how to fix that.

“Good night, Starsky.”

“Good night, Hutch.”

Both turned for their bedrooms, which were across from each other. Both stopped at their doors and looked back at the other. Their eyes met and held for a few seconds.

Then both entered their rooms and shut the doors.

~*~*~*~*~

A yell woke Hutch. He automatically reached for his gun, only belatedly remembering he no longer carried one. He listened carefully, and heard quiet sobbing.

Shaking the sleepiness out of his brain, Hutch remembered where he was. And he realized the sounds he heard were coming from Starsky’s bedroom. He looked at the clock. Four AM. He knew from experience that not much happened at this time of the morning that was good.

He debated for a few seconds. But the sounds of Starsky in pain were too much for him to ignore. His heart wouldn’t let him stay in his room while Starsky was hurting in the other room. So he got up, slipped on a pair of sweat pants and walked out of his room, heading for Starsky’s.

He paused outside the closed door. He could hear Starsky quietly sobbing. He pressed his palm and forehead to the door, feeling his heart cracking. He was torn. Go back to his room and leave Starsky to his privacy or go in and risk…

Risk what? They had both paid a price for what had happened. They had both been hurt. Both had given up a once-in-a-lifetime love. They had lost so much. Partnership, friendship…love. He straightened up and tapped softly on the door before he opened it.

Starsky was sitting up on the side of his bed. He had his face hidden in his hands and when he looked up Hutch saw the tears running down his ravaged face. He walked over by the bed.

“What’s wrong Starsky? Are you hurt?” Hutch asked, concerned with how awful Starsky looked. He dropped to his knees, on the rug by the bed, in front of him. He wasn’t sure what to do, so he just knelt there.

“Oh, Hutch. I had the nightmare again. But this time…this time I remembered. Everything. I remembered how I hurt you. How I told you to leave. God, Hutch, it hurts so bad to remember how I hurt you.” Starsky looked into Hutch’s eyes, amazed he had even come into the room to see what was wrong.

He’d accused Hutch of just wanting the sex. He’d discounted Hutch’s avowal of love. He was the one who hadn’t loved… Starsky slipped from the bed and dropped to his knees in front of Hutch. “I’m so sorry, Hutch. I wish I could undo everything I did. I hurt you. I hurt you so badly. I’m sorry.” He bowed his head and his body shook with the sobs coursing through him.

He’d had a little trouble understanding everything Starsky had said because of the sobs. But Hutch couldn’t stand seeing Starsky so torn apart. Hutch dropped to his knees in front of Starsky. His arms were a little shaky as he raised them and hesitantly put them around Starsky’s shoulders, and pulled Starsky against his solid chest.

Starsky buried his face in Hutch’s neck, too ashamed to look him in the eyes. He just kept repeating, over and over, “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” He wrapped his arms around Hutch’s waist and held on to him as tightly as he could.

Tightening his arms around Starsky, Hutch closed his eyes. It had been over three years since he had held this man so close. He turned his head so he could whisper near Starsky’s ear, “Shhh, I know you are. I know. Shhhh, Starsk. Please, don’t cry anymore. Please…” He rubbed his hands over Starsky’s bare back.

They remained on the rug, on their knees. Their arms were wrapped tightly around each other. They stayed like that for about five minutes. 

Finally raising his head from Hutch’s shoulder, Starsky loosened his grip on him and sat back. He wouldn’t look up at Hutch. Wiping his face with his hands, he kept taking deep breaths and trying to keep himself under control.

Hutch released his hold when Starsky sat up. He wasn’t sure what to do. He could still feel the pain coming off his former partner in waves. Slowly, he reached out a hand and put his hand under Starsky’s chin, lifting his face. Then he spoke, “I forgive you. If you will forgive me? When the phone rang, I should have known it must have been something important. I should have left you alone, moved away from you. I felt you tense up. I knew it wasn’t good news. And…I should have picked up on the clues that something was wrong with Captain Dobey.”

“No, Hutch…”

“Yes, Starsky. We both made mistakes. And we’ve both paid for those mistakes. It’s time for both of us to let it go.” He paused. “It’s four, I think room service starts at four. Let’s get dressed. I’ll call down and order breakfast for us. We can eat and talk in the other room. Okay?”

Starsky tried a shaky smile. “Okay. I’ll be out in a little bit. Pancakes and bacon?”

“Pancakes and bacon it is.” Hutch stood then reached a hand down to help Starsky stand up. He held Starsky’s hand for a few seconds after Starsky stood. “I’ll meet you out there.”

~*~*~*~*~

Going back to his bedroom, Hutch pulled on a sweatshirt and slipped into his slippers. He returned to the common area and called down for breakfast. He ordered pancakes, bacon, scrambled eggs, and a large pitcher of orange juice.

Starsky came out of his room just as Hutch hung up the phone. He had washed his face and was dressed similarly to Hutch. He walked over to the table and took a couple of magazines off the top. He would have liked to have stayed busy, but there wasn’t anything to stay busy at.

“Starsky, sit down. Please. And please don’t feel bad. It’s in the past, and we both need to let it go.”

“Can you, Hutch?” Starsky finally met Hutch’s gaze. “Can you let what I did to you go?”

Thinking about it before he answered, Hutch finally said, “I let it go when I told you what happened. It felt like I re-lived it all over again. And I don’t ever want to revisit it. Ever. So, yes, Starsky, I can and have let it go. I understand what happened. We were both at fault to a certain extent. And if I continue to hold onto the hurt, I’ll never get over it. I don’t want to live like that. I told you that I forgive you, and that’s the end of it for me.”

Stunned, Starsky looked at his former lover. “I don’t understand. I thought you hated me? How can you forgive me so easily?”

“It wasn’t easy, Starsky. And I did it for me, as much as I did it for you. I got tired of carrying all that around inside me. I feel lighter somehow now. I don’t know how to explain it.”

Nodding, Starsky tried a smile. “I think I read the same self-help book you did. But, until last night, I think I was still carrying most of it.” He looked in Hutch’s eyes, “Thank you for forgiving me. I’m still working on forgiving myself. But I think it’s closer now.”

There was a knock at the door and Hutch went to open it. Room service pushed a cart into the room with their food on it. He made sure the warming fires were all lit and turned to leave. Hutch pulled a bill out of his pocket and handed it to the man. “Thank you.”

Starsky collected the plates and silverware from the cart and put them on the table.

They rolled the cart next to the table and each served himself. For a while, the only sounds were them eating.

“Hutch…do you think we could…see each other again?”

Setting his fork down, Hutch looked at Starsky. “I think…I think I would like that. Maybe we could become friends again.”

Starsky closed his eyes and took a deep breath, relieved that Hutch hadn’t said ‘no’.

Suddenly Hutch looked at Starsky’s hands. The same rings Starsky had always worn were still there. But his other fingers were ring-free.

“You never married?”

“Ah, no. I dated a bit. But I…couldn’t forget you. How much I loved you. How it felt to hold you in my arms and how it felt to make love to you.”

Starsky looked down, but Hutch still saw the blush on his face. 

“I couldn’t forget you either, Starsk. I resigned myself to being alone for the rest of my life.”

They looked at each other and both spoke at the same time. “Do you think…”

Hutch smiled at Starsky who returned the smile.

“I think I’d like to try, Hutch. If you…”

“Yes.”

“You’re sure, Hutch? I promise I’ll never hurt you again.”

“I know that, Starsk. And yes I’m sure. You?”

Starsky took a deep breath. “I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life.”

Forgetting the food in front of them, both stood and took a step toward each other.

At first the hug was awkward and tentative. But within seconds they were pressed against each other, both shedding tears.

Hutch felt like he’d found his center after three years without it. He pulled Starsky even closer, burying his face in Starsky’s neck. “I…I still love you, Starsk. Never stopped. I guess I never will.”

“Hutch…Hutch, I love you. I’m so sorry…I could never forget you.”

As one, they turned and walked to the sofa and sat, holding and touching. When that wasn’t enough, they kissed. Quick, slow, just lips, tongues sparring.

Starsky finally pulled back. “Hutch…would you…do you want…”

“Yes. I would. And I want.”

They stood and walked toward Starsky’s bedroom. At the last second, Starsky pushed the food cart into the hall and Hutch hung the “Do Not Disturb” sign on the doorknob.

When they were in the bedroom, Starsky walked to his suitcase and started searching for something. He stood up and walked to the bed. While Hutch watched in shock, Starsky threaded the chain of his handcuffs through the slats of the headboard. Then he stripped naked, laid down and snapped the cuffs on his wrists, after he put the key on the dresser by the bed.

“Starsk…?”

"I don't want you to be afraid of me. Of making love with me. So this way, you have the power. You have the control." Starsky shrugged his shoulders as best as he could.

Hutch was stunned. He stood there for a few seconds, then began taking his clothes off. He slid into the bed next to Starsky. He touched him, exploring, remembering how he used to touch him.

Leaning up, Hutch kissed Starsky. During the kiss, Hutch reached over, picked up the handcuff key and unlocked the cuffs.

“Hutch…you don’t have to…”

“Shhh, Starsk. You don’t need the cuffs. More importantly, I don’t need them. I trust you, babe.” Hutch put the cuffs on the dresser.

Over that night and for the next two days they re-learned what neither had ever really forgotten. And from that night on their love grew stronger and stronger. What had been broken had been repaired and strengthened.

They called their agents and made deals to give the seminars together. Hutch sold his condo and moved back to Bay City to live with Starsky.

And they lived in love happily ever after.

FIN


End file.
